Fire up the Leona Lewis MP3's and scathing Indiana Jones: The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull reviews — it's about to be a 2008 party in this joint. Thanks to a swelling chorus of Concerned White Voices, SARAH PALIN IS BACK Y'ALL.

This Palin-aissance (never make me use that portmanteau again, current events) comes serendipitously for the ex-Veep candidate-cum-ex-governor-cum-ex-Fox-News-talking-head-cum- ex-reality-TV-star-cum-ex-ex-Fox-News-talking-head, but according to Joan Walsh at Salon, her newest re-entry into the national conversation is not to be taken lightly or dismissed. In fact, Palin plays up perfectly to the New Thing that amusingly nutty right wingers will fixate on from now until the day they die cradling their guns like infants — WHITE PANIC. Walsh writes,

...it was [Palin's] attack on Bush this weekend that made me realize the extent to which she could become the face of the white nativist backlash, which is a dangerous development for the GOP, and the country, but a cushy, natural perch for Palin.

And white panic got a perfect reason to manifest in a 1-2 punch of blink-and-you'll-miss-it news items from the last week or so. First, new data that shows that white deaths are outpacing white births for the first time in American history, which means that white people are an endangered species (although you wouldn't know it if you've ever attended Coachella or if you currently live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, where every white person is required to produce 2 white babies in order to gain entrance into some local eating establishments). Second quickly bloggable news item: former Florida governor Jeb Bush paid a clumsy non-compliment his amigos Latinos by saying immigrants are "more fertile" than their real Amerurrican counterparts, which, as Walsh points out, is exactly what racists are afraid of.

Enter Sarah Palin, gosh darn good old aw shucksin' job quittin' Palin, to enter the fray and point out that CERTAIN white people (Sarah Palin and her progeny) are doing their part to do intercourse with other whites and have white babies to offset the literal brown menace tidal wave threatening our totally-not-stolen-from-the-Native-Americans shores. On the heels of Bush's remarks, Palin pointed out that races don't necessarily exhibit differing rates of fertility — "trust me, I'm fucking fertile as balls" — and then used some dog whistle talk about how we shouldn't say things about immigrants having babies, because we don't want to incentivize breaking the law by entering the country illegally.

So it looks like, for the time being, at least, Sarah Palin has an audience in panicking slack jawed racists.

But what are the potential bummers to Palin II: The Dark Knight Rises (working title)? I mean, for one, we're all going to have to listen to the word strings that she says and again attempt to parse whether or not they are sentences, and that's exhausting. On a more concerning level, though, acquiescing to Sarah Palin's re-entrance into relevance is tantamount to mild comedian abuse. All the jabs to be made about her have been made (WOLF FROM A HELICOPTER DUMB KID NAMES G DROPPIN), and without Palin jokes, there's just the sound of Sarah. (Hello darkness, my old friend.) We're running our topical political comedy community ragged, dear readers. And we need them fresh for Marco Rubio jokes!

While Walsh argues in her piece about Palin's resurgent relevance that the former Governor of Alaska is "the smiley face of white backlash," let's look on the bright side: at least this time around, she's not a John McCain heart attack away from being leader of the free world.

[Salon]

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Much to the chagrin of the mother-in-law joke card industry, marriage has never been less popular. But why? For many women, when you consider the non-financial facts of the modern marital arrangement, getting hitched just isn't a wise economic decision. You might say that shopping for a husband is sort of like shopping for an apartment in New York City — finding one that's worth the outrageous price takes a long time, and most of the good ones are taken by old people who refuse to die.*

The old hacky comedy trope that women are eager to tie men down and force them to put babies in them doesn't bear out if you actually put it to the test, as a smattering of recent studies analyzing the economics of mate-picking have indicated. Writes my imaginary professor wife Nancy Folbre at the Times,

As a contractual commitment, marriage has a price. It offers both costs and benefits to potential partners. The contract involves commitments for financial support and family care on terms that can be completely egalitarian.

But the terms can also be more advantageous to men or to women. For example, Anglo-American law traditionally gave men greater rights than women in marriage, and some religious traditions today encourage wives, but not husbands, to promise obedience.

Back in the good old days, where men were men and women wore frilly aprons to church, marriage made all sorts of sense for both parties. For men, having a wife meant having a companion who would take care of housework and mother the shit out of their seed, and for women, having a husband meant having access to stability and breadwinning and lawnmowing and gutter cleaning. But now, women are earning money, just winning bread and scones and all sorts of yeast-based baked goods left and right, and the men they're married to still expect them to continue to hold up the outdated end of the marriage bargain. If the women are winning all the bread AND having children AND being expected to clean up after the children, then what's the point of having a man around? It's like 'THE SECOND SHIFT' NEVER GOT WRITTEN.

So, as it stands right now, here are a bunch of things we can shop for (LADIES BE SHOPPING!) that are better bargains than husbands:

• a monthly public transportation pass, especially if you're commuting via bus or train most days
• a properly fitting black blazer made out of high-quality material
• membership at a gym with a good vibe
• a stand up KitchenAid mixer
• standing in line for 5 hours waiting to get into that museum exhibit everyone's been talking about
• orchestra seats. It will hurt a little when you buy them but trust me when it comes time for the show you'll be glad you're so close to the stage.
• getting up at 6:30 to wait in line for goddamn cronuts
• a pedicure every few weeks
• an IUD
• bamboo floor upgrades
• organic berries. Due to the thinness of berry skin and the potency of chemicals used in commercial agriculture, you're eating a lot less poison if you buy organic.
• lobster rolls
• decent fucking running shoes
• Facebook stock (LOL internet joke)

Husbands are suddenly a crappier deal for women than cronuts because, as Folbre notes, traditional gender roles have proven much "stickier" than economic reality. As a result, when presented with the option to marry and suddenly be expected to do all this extra shit for very little payoff, many women are opting to just skip the whole circus altogether. This especially holds true for low-income couples who don't have the resources to outsource domestic work to The Help.

Women don't want to be with the sort of men who want wives, because the sort of men who want wives also want their wives to continue to behave traditionally, and women don't want to have to do everything. In other words, right now, we're in the midst of a truly epic BATTLE OF THE SEXES standoff, and until more men get it through their man skulls that marriage isn't an inherently dudecentric arrangement or women get it through their ladybrains that they should just give up on decades of struggle for equality so some guy's feelings about his own masculinity aren't hurt, marriage will continue to grow less attractive for heterosexual women. Either way, the Husband Bubble's days are numbered.

[NYT]

*I realize that the last part of that terrible Sex & The City cutting room floor joke doesn't make sense. Whatever.

Defense department officials will announce today that for the first time, women who can swing it will be allowed to join elite military squadrons like the Navy SEALS. (Hacky joke about PMS making women TOUGHER THAN NAVY SEALS.) (Hacky joke about how anyone who thinks women aren't tough obviously hasn't been to a black Friday sale at my local Target amirite?)

According to the Times, while we've known for awhile that women will be allowed to officially serve in certain combat roles, today's the day we'll learn how the Defense Department plans to involve women in the top levels of its various branches without relaxing the physical standards required for membership.

Including women in combat was, at this point, a formality, as women have been fighting and dying alongside men in Afghanistan and Iraq without being formally recognized as having served in combat for many moons. This limited their options for advancement in the military. Opening up elite squadrons for women who want to try out will allow ladytypes to be rejected en masse just like most of the men who try out. ULTIMATE EQUALITY ACHIEVED!

Only time will tell if jowly southern Senator Saxby Chambliss's theory that women's irresistibly sexy presence in the armed services causes men to rape them bears out.

[NYTimes]

Like every other cool person with a rich, fulfilling social life in the BIG CITY, I spent the weekend bopping around to Kanye West's leaked new album Yeezus. And even though I expect any Kanye joint to be the sonic equivalent of a load of angry jizz in my earhole, this album seemed especially rife with sexual imagery. Incredibly servicey sexual imagery. Didn't notice? Not to worry. We've translated the best sex tips from the album from Kanyenese to English for your reading and sexing pleasure.

Tip #1: When performing oral sex on a member of a specific cultural group, spice things up by involving traditional food items from that person's country or region of ancestry.
Yeezus lyric:

Eating asian pussy,
All I need was sweet & sour sauce
- "I'm In It"

Suggested Application: Eat lutefisk off a Norwegian guy's balls.

Tip #2: Don't have sex with religious people/Don't be religious, or it will ruin your fun.
Yeezus lyric:

Then she said she impregnated, that's the night your heart died
Then you gotta go and tell your girl and report that
Main reason cause your pastor said you can't abort that
- "Blood on the Leaves"

Suggested Application: (ibid)

Tip #3: Cherish a good partner when you find one; they are significantly more worthy of your time than other people of ill repute.
Yeezus lyric:

One good girl is worth a thousand bitches.
- "Bound 2"

Suggested Application: Resist the temptation to fuck groupies and hold out for a Mandy Moore type. You know, if you have groupies.

Tip #4: Don't neglect your wife or Kanye West will have sex with her.
Yeezus lyric:

Fuck you and your Hamptons house
I'll fuck you and your Hamptons spouse
- "New Slaves"

AND

There's too many hoes in this house of sin
Black dick all up in your spouse again
- "On Site"

Suggested Application: Flowers, dinner, a nice date every once in awhile. Just be thoughtful, man. He warns you, like, twice on the album.

Tip #5: Let your breasts flop around freely at all times, as nature intended.
Yeezus lyric:

No sports bra
Let's keep it bouncin'
- "On Site"

AND

Your titties, let 'em out, free at last
Thank God almighty, they free at last
- "I'm In It"

Suggested Application: Next Zumba class, skip the bra.

Tip #6: Wear protection every time, even if you're about to have sex with 300 people.
Yeezus lyric:

I keep it 300 like the Romans
300 bitches, where's the Trojans?
- "Black Skinhead"

Suggested Application: Carry a duffel bag full of condoms just in case.

Tip #7: Have the confidence to ask for what you want.
Yeezus lyric:

So hurry up with my damn massage.
In a French-ass restaurant
Hurry up with my damn CROISSANTS! (emphasis added)
- "I Am a God"

Suggested Application: Ignore the suggestion that being rude to wait staff is a turnoff. Your partner will respect your initiative and "go getter" attitude.

Tip #8: Be a jerk; it's the only way to get ahead in life or in sex, which is what life is all about. Corollary to this tip: it is much more preferable to receive oral than to give oral.
Yeezus lyric:

You see there's leaders and there's followers
But I'd rather be a dick than a swallower
- "New Slaves"

Suggested Application: Never say "please" or "thank you" or anything like that; courtesy is for people Kanye West would call pussies and you are not what Kanye West would call a pussy.

Tip #9: Get political.

Yeezus lyric:

Uh, black girl sippin' white wine
Put my fist in her like a civil rights sign
- "I'm In It"

Suggested Application: Instead of fingering a guy in the butthole, make the peace sign in his butthole. That way you're having sex while making an important point about not having war. (But also: ????)

So, you see, Salon? Kanye doesn't have a "sex problem" unless the "problem" is he's too "awesome" at giving sex tips that normal people like me and you and Kim Kardashian can use. So follow these Yeezus tips and give your man (or woman) the greatest fuckmaking of their life. I, for one, fully plan on yelling "I AM A GOD" the next time I have an orgasm.

If your roof is leaking, hiring an interior decorator to redo your living room won't keep your ceiling from eventually collapsing. Likewise, if you're a a political party struggling to preserve what's left of its rapidly-fraying relevance, appointing a different messenger won't change the fact that the message is crap. Which brings me to Marsha Blackburn, the high-powered Tennessee Congresswoman who has been appointed/anointed to take the lead on the House's proposed 20-week abortion ban. See, ladies? Congressional Republicans are much more lady-friendly! They're even letting a woman TAKE THE LEAD on restricting the rights of other women!

The ban originated with Congressional Douchebag Caucus originator Trent Franks, the blandly idiotic Arizona Rep who recently made news when he declared that rape-related pregnancies were "very rare" and thus a 20-week abortion ban should not contain any exceptions for pregnancies conceived by rape. Perhaps sensing an Akinesque PR disaster, the House GOP did some shuffling and quietly inserted a rape and incest exception into the bill and replaced Franks as the legislation's mouthpiece. From here on out, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha will be the one shepherding women's rights back to the pre-Vietnam era, where they belong (bonus: cooler hats).

But this isn't Marsha Blackburn's first rodeo; she's been a vocal opponent of things you'd think women would like for quite some time. Just this month, she appeared on Meet the Press to let the men know that women don't actually want equal pay laws. (Being paid less than men is what makes us special, you see. Breasts, intuition, and shitty pay — our *~fEmInInE wIlEs~*.) Blackburn voted against the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2009 and against the Paycheck Fairness Act in 2009 — for the sake of hypocrisy avoidance, I sure hope Rep. Marsha Blackburn willingly accepts a Congressional salary that is 77% what her male colleagues make. Blackburn was also among that puzzling group of women who voted against the Violence Against Women Act. When asked to explain her opposition, the Tennessee Congresswoman remarked that it protected "too many groups." What a progressive, lady-loving party, that GOP, entrusting a woman with the difficult task of rebuilding the glass ceiling.

Unsurprisingly, pro-choice groups weren't terribly pleased with Blackburn's new role . NARAL President Ilse Hogue didn't mince words, calling the move an "insensitive and insulting compromise" and "window dressing" on "egregious" legislation, as the 20-week mark in a pregnancy is usually when women find out about the presence of serious fetal abnormalities. Whee!

Look on the bright side, though — at least the GOP has realized that people are tired about hearing men say stupid shit about women. Baby steps.

[TWS]

If you thought the NSA scandal was a disturbing reminder of the reality that we live in a world where fallible humans have access to virtually limitless power, wait until you hear about the latest military scandal. Turns out, under our very noses, a top official at West Point has been using his position to obtain all sorts of of perks including — ready for this? — cat care for his friends. It's like Watergate and the Teapot Dome Scandal had a fuckbaby.

The entire sordid affair is detailed in a hilariously-headlined piece on TPM ("Pentagon: Top West Point Official 'Misused His Position to Obtain Cat Care'" Yes yes yes yes yesyesyes DAY MADE this is better than the Yeezus leak). According to a Pentagon report, West Point superintendent Lt. General David Huntoon had his subordinates perform all sorts of tasks — driving lessons, charity dinner servitude, and other outside-of-the-line-of-duty work — for pay well below market labor rates. In addition, there's this troubling tidbit:

For example, the report says Huntoon misused his position to get cat-feeding help for a friend, but it was unclear who was feeding the cats and who the friend was.

Is nothing sacred? Has no one any shame? WHAT KIND OF A WIMPY-ASS GENERAL IS FRIENDS WITH A CAT OWNER THIS IS AMERICA NOT FRANCE!!!!!1

We may, in fact, never know for sure to whom the cat belongs or whether the cat has a cool name like Meowskowitz or Cat-erine Hepburn or a stupid name like Mittens or Feline Groovy, because TPM reports that much of the report was redacted before it reached the media's greedy ink-stained paws. But what we do know is that Huntoon has served in the military for 40 years and was planning on retiring from West Point this summer, his career now indelibly stained with Fancy Feast juice.

But look on the bright side: top brass may be shamelessly extorting cat care from subordinates, but at least this story out of the military doesn't involve anyone getting raped. Can I get a high five!?

[TPM]

Are you a member of the teeming huddled masses? Are you a foreigner who has been exhibiting symptoms of the American Dream for two weeks without relief? Well, help is on the way in the form of a massive immigration overhaul that has a good chance of passing by the 4th of July (or dying, and in the process doing even more to bolster the GOP's unfortunate image as a club for Biblethumping racists and their self-hating brown friends — BUT I DIGRESS). While some aspects of the proposed Senate bill should be applauded, others — as badass Hawaiian Senator Mazie Hirono pointed out yesterday — are kinda shitty to women.

Hirono takes issue with the bill's point system, which gives preferential treatment to potential immigrants with marketable job skills and higher levels of education. Problem is, in many other countries, the opportunity to obtain advanced job skills and higher education is limited to men. In a floor speech yesterday, Hirono remarked that the point system "cements" discriminatory treatment of women in other countries into American immigration laws. She also criticized the bill's lack of a "sibling" category on visa applications, saying,

The biggest losers in the bill’s new point system will be unmarried sisters of U.S. citizens. Why? Because the new system not only makes it harder for women to immigrate here, but it eliminates visas for siblings of citizens, while allowing new immigrants to bring their spouses. A woman who aspires to live with her family and work in the greatest country in the world should not have to get married to do that.

The Senator then said she plans to introduce an amendment that would allow siblings of citizens to apply for visas to remedy this. Hirono, America's first Japanese-born Senator, was brought to the US by her mother, who was fleeing domestic abuse.

The Immigration Reform bill is still early on in the process of working through the peristalsis of Congress, but judging by the discussion surrounding the legislation this week, the debate is far from over.

[Mazie Hirono]

If you don't know anything about American state politics, a good rule of thumb that governors with "Rick," "Scott," or "Jan Brewer" in their names tend to be real pieces of work* (*jerks). So it should come as no surprise that Rick Perry of Texas, one of the Rickiest Ricks who ever did Rick, used the signing of a so-called "Merry Christmas Law' as an opportunity to point out that Rick Perry believes that no one in America should be free from religion. And by "religion," of course he means "Christianity."

According to Raw Story, the YOU'LL HAVE A MERRY MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS AND YOU WILL LIKE IT bill legally enshrines the rights of schoolchildren and teachers to use religious greetings and display certain religious holiday symbols on school grounds.

The fact that students can already say "Merry Christmas" at school until they're blue in the face without fear of punishment aside, Perry's interpretation of the constitution: that the Founding Fathers intended for us to be balls deep in God, constantly. Quoth the ex-Presidential candidate,

I’m proud we are standing up for religious freedom in our state. Freedom of religion doesn’t mean freedom from religion.

Well that's kind of ominous and totalitarian-sounding. Good thing he's only the guy in charge of the 14th largest economy in the world.

Call me a cynic (or call me a person who is familiar enough with Rick Perry's Dick Tracy villain face to read between the lines) but I highly suspect that this law wasn't intended to apply to non Judeo-Christian religious tidings. Like, can you imagine Rick Perry skipping around spreading Ramadan greetings to his Muslim friends? Do you think he'll send Tet cards? And what about the Pastafarians?

But I guess someone needed to put the "Oh, Christ" back in Christmas.

[RawStory]

This week, boringly wacky Congressperson Trent Franks' dumb, dumb, dumb 20 week abortion ban advanced one step closer to becoming a law at the federal level*. Helping his constitutionally flaccid bill along was an all-male chorus of YEA votes in the nincompoopery-intense House Judiciary Committee — or, as we're going to call them from now on because we're grown-ass bill-paying lease-signing tax-paying adults, the Congressional Douchebag Caucus. Congrats, guys!

If you get your jollies from laughing so you don't cry at the dangerous lunatics running the country, then you'll love the Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee. It's got every cartoonish phobia a lady could want in a group of powerwhoring ideologues — xenophobia, homophobia, ladyphobia, and almost certainly kainotophobia. Let's meet 'em!

Jim Sensennbrenner - Wisconsin's 5th

:( - Once stormed out of a Judiciary Committee hearing on the Patriot Act and Iraq War (in violation of House Rules) because his feelings were hurt when Democrats brought up the issue of human rights violations at Gitmo.
:) - His official portrait is him standing in front of a storm holding a gavel with a Dalmatian. The only way it could be better is if he and the dog were playing poker, or if he were literally Howard Dean in a Canadian tuxedo.

Lamar Smith - Texas's 21st

:(- His opposition to an effort to decriminalize cannabis was poorly received by tech savvy potheads, many of whom swarmed his Facebook page with meanie pants comments. Rather than address them, Smith took his Facebook page down, then put it back up with all of the comments deleted. Take that, internet! Further, with all sorts of anti-choice group endorsements Smith is so up in your womanparts that he knows before you do when you have a UTI. He didn't vote yesterday, but you know he was there in spirit.
:)- Graduated from a school called — not making this up — TMI.

Louis Gohmert - Texas's 1st

:( - Is a birther. Just last month, he told a woman testifying at a Congressional hearing that she should have carried her fetus to term rather than have an abortion, even though the woman's fetus didn't have a functioning brain. Real huggable, empathetic guy, this one. Always wearing his thinking cap.
:)- Invented the hilarious but meaningless fearmongering phrase "terror babies."

Spencer Bachus - Alabama's 6th

:(- Once accused Bill Maher of treason, which is a perfectly reasonable, non-crazy thing to accuse someone of after they make a joke about missed army recruitment targets.
:)- His hair doesn't look like it can move. That's something, right?

Ted Poe - Texas's 2nd

:(- Ends his speeches on the House floor with "And that's just the way it is..." like an aw shucks homemade piping hot jerk.
:)- Lives in a town called Humble, Texas. Which sounds like a cute fictional setting for Country Crock a margarine commercial.

J. Randy Forbes - Virginia's 4th

:(- Campaigned on a promise to fight on the dumb side of the "culture war." He called it Team Pushback. Among the things J. Randy and his gang of nerds have pushed for? Officially declaring the US a "Judeo-Christian nation" (you can sit with us, Jews!) and proclaiming that the Holy Bible is the Word Of God, like, officially. Among other things.
:)- His first name is James but he goes by Randy because he wanted to sound more like a guy who operates a tilt-a-whirl on weekends I guess. Fun.

Trent Franks- Arizona's 8th

:(- Imagine everything that makes you want to put your head in an oven about politicians — posturing, moralizing, that Fake Sincerity mugging, faux concern, patronizing explanations of indefensible positions, saying stupid shit about rape, and being from Arizona. That's Trent Franks. Defender of personhood even though he and his wife have a kid through a surrogate. He's the actual worst.
:)- I don't know. He doesn't seem to yell a lot. I'm really reaching here.

Thomas Marino - Pennsylvania's 10th

:(- While serving as US Attorney, he wrote a letter of recommendation in support of a convicted felon who was trying to get a slot machine license and then lied about having permission to do so. Resigned position at US Attorney's office and accepted position as in-house attorney for convicted felon, a position that paid $250,000 per year.
:)- Is significantly balding, so will never be President.

Darrell Issa - California's 49th

:(- Basically entered politics because he's a rich guy who hates paying for shit. Greasy.
:)- According to Wikipedia, "many of his (childhood) friends were Jewish." Second richest dude in Congress. And whatta Perry Comover!

Jim Jordan - Ohio's 4th

:(- Has a perfect score from the American Conservative Union, which I guess, given the current state of American conservatism, makes him a gaypunching Jesus who manufactures fetal body armor.
:)- Was a really good wrestler in high school and college.

Blake Farenthold - Texas's 27th

:(- Is the fourth Texan on this list. Because what America needs is more loudmouth Texan dudes doing loudmouth Texan things.
:)- Was a radio DJ before he went into politics, so he might have some cool jams on his iPod (unlikely).

George Holding - North Carolina's 13th

:(- Lipless, terrifying.
:)- During the 2012 election, was endorsed by an ex-Senator named Launch Faircloth. If there are two significant linguistic contributions the South has made to American culture, it's the word "y'all" and AMAZING SENATOR NAMES.

Steve King - Iowa's 4th

:(- Hoo boy. Steve King is an Olympic level xenophobe and he's not afraid to be a real dumb asshole about it. From comparing immigrants to dogs to dropping the phrase "anchor baby" with impunity, he's a peach. A rotton peach that hates immigrants.
:)- Has real pretty eyes.

Anyway, congrats, broskis, and welcome to the DBag caucus. You'll likely be joined by more of your like-minded colleagues in the House of Representatives, the Junior Varsity squad of the legislative branch. But until then, stretch out, relax, and enjoy the perks that come with your new distinction.

The day after the election last fall, I felt like the bespectacled teen movie archetype who just found out the POPULAR BOY (played by an actor with a suspiciously square twentysomething jaw for a high schooler) asked her to prom. Across the country, politicians who had publicly said dumb crap about women's roles, women's bodies, and women's choices were sent packing after an election season characterized in part by the mainstream media refreshingly giving a fuck about holding politicians accountable for antiquated views about how women's bodies work and what they should be doing with them. And even though what happened in November felt like a victory so resounding politicians would know to think twice before fucking with Team Women Are People again, as soon as Congress reconvened in January, the GOP's fetal warrior contingent got right back to focusing their energy on legislating female bodies. What gives? And why isn't the response this time around as dramatic?

Part of the dropoff in fucks given about the ongoing government intrusion between our American thighs can be attributed to fatigue. Hell, I get it — I was tired too. After the election, I was so tired of abortion and rape and equal pay and maternity leave and sick leave and sexual harassment and women in combat and military sex abuse ad nauseum ad infinitum that I took a week off to go to Chicago (and all I remember from that week is standing in my ex-fiancee's garage and staring at boxes and then seeing a guy get robbed of his iPhone on the brown line), and then I took 7 months off to write jokes for a talking heads cable TV show that never required me to utter the phrase LEGITIMATE RAPE except for that one time in a pitch meeting when I told one of my coworkers that LEGITIMATE GRAPE would be a great name for a flavor of Kool Aid whose sale proceeds go to support RAINN. I'm tired. You're tired. We're all tired. But you know who isn't tired? Dudes who think that God wants them to make sure women who get pregnant stay pregnant. Elected officials whose political survival depends on appeasing a constituency of Christian fundamentalists dismayed by the idea of women having sex without physical consequences. Scowling, sexless, silly hat wearing religious leaders who believe that, through the magic of God and sperm, a zygote is a baby with needs and thoughts more important even than the woman on whose body it depends. That's the kind of shit we're dealing with. And ignoring it won't make it go away.

Since January, states have enacted literally dozens of laws that restrict access to abortion, contraception, sexual education, and other issues related to women's confusing yet somehow very, very dangerous if left unregulated reproductive organs (DID YOU KNOW that an unregulated vagina has the power to wreak more havoc than 100 Exxon oil rigs? It says in the Bible). We've got conservative state legislators declaring women a "mystery" and then voting to restrict what women do with their mystery machines (idea: "Mystery Machine" as a vaginal euphemism. Try it; it's fun.) A female politician declaring on TV that women don't want equal pay because, I don't know, it's kinda fun when guys pay at restaurants because we can't afford it tee hee. And just today, a 20-week abortion ban authored by actual crazy person Congressman Trent Franks advanced past the House Judiciary Committee, thanks to the the votes of the 23 male Republicans on the panel.

So what gives? Why would the GOP, a party that was open palm spanked in the 2012 elections and that admitted its continued existence depended on "get(ting) with the times" (not saying dumb crap about rape) regress to the same old rhetoric that got them in trouble in the first place? Because they think no one's paying attention, and the ones that are won't remember when it counts.

And it makes sense, on a strategic level, to introduce War on Women-style legislation during a non-election year; the half life of a political gaffe meme (horses and bayonets, anyone?) is much shorter than Congressional voting records or a CSPAN sound byte that would make a great political ad. And a Congressman trying to court the favor of a district full of mouthbreathing parking lot pray-ers would be wise to make as many bold asshole moves as possible when the media isn't treating every day like it's the end of a goddamn horse race. Moving to ban abortions after 20 weeks now as opposed to this time next year gives legislators the fodder they want for ads to be used next year but spares them Todd Akinesque media scrutiny.

This isn't to say that suddenly, everyone in the mainstream media forgot again that women are humans — just that coverage of shit that actually affects half of the population in a corporeal way has once again been relegated to media's pink aisle (in addition to passionate, dedicated pro-woman activists, you'll also find Barbies and tampons there), until it's taken out and played with again next year when the entire House of Representatives and a third of the Senate is up for reelection. So while it might feel now is a time to sit back and rest on our laurels, women and people who love and care about women can't be lulled into a false sense of security. The neverending cycle of fuckery is still in full swing, and we don't have the luxury of not paying attention.

Boobs, brews, bros, boats, balls, Borat, baldness, and breadwinning. Now that I've weeded out all the ladyreaders with that completely testosterone-soaked sentence of man related B words, I'm going to share an important man fact with all the dudes out there: your brains are better than lady brains. Says who? Says Maine's Republican House Minority Leader/brain expert Ken Fredette, during a debate on the House floor on Wednesday. Bonus: he supported his argument using a widely-derided book from 21 years ago. Too bad Fredette's manbrain didn't understand how video cameras or the internet work. Or, uh, public record, for that matter.

Fredette's heroic application of gender essentialism came in the context of a discussion of — you guessed it (actually, you probably you didn't) — application of Obamacare's federal funding for the Medicaid expansion at the state level. I'd explain it, but it would be easier for me to just step aside before my yogurt addled chickbrain ovulates all over Ken Fredette's turgid, rock-hard logic and let a man explain. Fredette's floor soliloquy, per ThinkProgress,

As I listen to the debate today and earlier debate on this bill, I can’t help but think of a title of a book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. And it’s a book about the fact that men sort of think one way in their own brain, in their own world. And women think another way in their own brain and in their own world. And it really talks about the way that men and women can do a better job at communicating. Because if you listen to the debate today, in my mind — a man’s mind — I hear two fundamental issues. From the other side of the aisle, I hear the conversation being about: free. ‘This is free, we need to take it, and it’s free. And we need to do it now.’ And that’s the fundamental message that my brain receives. Now, my brain, being a man’s brain, sort of thinks differently, because I say, well, it’s not — if it’s free, is it really free? Because I say, in my brain, there’s a cost to this.

Woo! Ladies be shopping with they maxed out credit cards!

Absurdity of comparing being in favor of expanding fucking health careto being a silly girl who doesn't understand money aside, we should all be grateful for men like Ken Fredette. If it wasn't for dudes telling me all about the negative ways women think and behave, I'd have no idea how to be a woman at all. Let me add "loves free shit and doesn't understand cost" to the list of shitty woman things I'm supposed to embody, right after "trying to guilt trip hapless guy into putting ring on finger," "bAbY fEvEr!," and "catfights, catfights, catfights."

And in case you heard of the book Fredette referenced, — Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus — it was a smash hit in the early 1990's and is currently encrusted with mildew in a forgotten corner of your parents' basement.

[ThinkProgress]