Racist Panic Means We Get to Pretend Sarah Palin Matters Again

Fire up the Leona Lewis MP3's and scathing Indiana Jones: The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull reviews — it's about to be a 2008 party in this joint. Thanks to a swelling chorus of Concerned White Voices, SARAH PALIN IS BACK Y'ALL.

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Shopping for a Husband? Hope You're Ready to Get Screwed Over

Much to the chagrin of the mother-in-law joke card industry, marriage has never been less popular. But why? For many women, when you consider the non-financial facts of the modern marital arrangement, getting hitched just isn't a wise economic decision. You might say that shopping for a husband is sort of like shopping for an apartment in New York City — finding one that's worth the outrageous price takes a long time, and most of the good ones are taken by old people who refuse to die.*

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Get Ready for the First Female Navy SEALS

Defense department officials will announce today that for the first time, women who can swing it will be allowed to join elite military squadrons like the Navy SEALS. (Hacky joke about PMS making women TOUGHER THAN NAVY SEALS.) (Hacky joke about how anyone who thinks women aren't tough obviously hasn't been to a…

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The 9 Best Sex Tips from Kanye West's New Album 'Yeezus'

Like every other cool person with a rich, fulfilling social life in the BIG CITY, I spent the weekend bopping around to Kanye West's leaked new album Yeezus. And even though I expect any Kanye joint to be the sonic equivalent of a load of angry jizz in my earhole, this album seemed especially rife with sexual imagery. Incredibly servicey sexual imagery. Didn't notice? Not to worry. We've translated the best sex tips from the album from Kanyenese to English for your reading and sexing pleasure.

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GOP Appoints Woman to Be New Person to Say Dumb Crap About Women

If your roof is leaking, hiring an interior decorator to redo your living room won't keep your ceiling from eventually collapsing. Likewise, if you're a a political party struggling to preserve what's left of its rapidly-fraying relevance, appointing a different messenger won't change the fact that the message is…

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